Letter 3: To My Clown

3 February 2012

Dear Martrucio

You may wonder why I’m writing to you when I haven’t even been aware of you for very long – well not dressed in your circus suit any way.  Yet you always seem to have been with me and now I know your name, it all seems to make sense …

So now we’ve been formally introduced, I have decided to write you a love letter and make sense of you, because otherwise I’m likely to blame you for a lot of things or else curse you for being part of my life.

You were introduced to me a couple of weeks ago by a very wise Celt called Gill.  One of her gifts is to help people identify and work with their ‘archetypes’ … these for me being facets of my self and hence my destiny.  Getting to know my archetypes has provided me with some new revelations about my life, character and actions – and I thought I knew me!  As it happens, I DID know me and now I know me differently 🙂 and I can never know enough.

But I digress – this is YOUR letter Martrucio, so let’s get back to you …  Gill told me about my Clown and I knew somehow that your name was Martrucio. Yes, you’ve always been around in some way shape or form; and way back when – the first name I gave to you, was ‘accident prone’.  For ‘name’ you can substitute ‘label’, a reason, an excuse, a hook to hang happenings on.  You’ve gone by many names and at other times, people have called you ditzy, klutz, blonde or stupid.  And because of you, I have been shouted at, cursed and you have been the cause of much embarrassment, apologies and use of cleaning fluids …

Why oh why Martrucio, even yesterday, when I had been getting acquainted with you, did you sit me next to the speaker at the event, the very event where I wanted to impress people, to sell them my services, be entertaining and respected and – well, all sorts of things really.  So Martrucio, when the speaker tried in vain to get every one’s attention by tapping on a coffee cup with a spoon, did you prompt me to bash the wine glass full of orange squash with a heavy knife?  Why Martrucio, why!?  Well it DID get everyone’s attention and may be the sight of orange squash gushing out of the glass, onto the speaker’s paperwork, her cream coloured jacket and the crisp white table cloth was entertaining, but really Martrucio, it was not quite the effect I wanted!  I wanted to feel elated, but instead felt mortified – what on earth?!

So in that moment, the clown had a sad face.  Yet fortunately the speaker survived and we’re laughing about it now, so you are smiling again Martrucio – that big, red, grotesque, exaggerated mouth of a smile.

As time has gone on, I forget most of the time that you are in my life and then you re-surface – some times in mild form, sometimes extreme – so I crack a joke, which goes down well, then I crack a plate or bash my car – drat and curses!  In some sense do I need you in my life Martrucio – I like to perform, to entertain, to detract, to bewitch; but then I would rather that what actually manifests is more glossy and impressive than the breaking and mucking up of things.

I was so relieved when years ago I saw a doctor who told me your name was ‘inner ear balance problem’ – at last I was vindicated, I had a REASON to do all this stuff – something beyond my control – hurrah – a ‘condition’!  Other people have called you ‘dyspraxia’ – apparently all the signs are there …

There is a sense too, that often people see YOU Martrucio and not ME, as I want to be seen.  But it’s time to let all that go.

You see now I know what your name is and that you are part of my being, my very infrastructure.  I now wish to make my peace with you Martrucio and live with you in harmony – instead of the very up and down thing we’ve had going together for such a long time.  The accidents are just a small part of what we do together.  And get this Martrucio, I would now love to take our relationship to the next stage, though I’m not sure yet what that stage is.  Let’s just agree, lovingly, that I will allow you your time in the spotlight, and in return can you love me back and change where the spotlight shines please?

Thank you so much for listening Martrucio and I really want to thank you for making me smile and for showing me that it’s OK not to be perfect and for giving me the gift of laughter and yes, maybe the ability to occasionally squirt people in the eye with a well aimed jet of flowery water …

   With love, from Sandra x

PS: Dear Reader, if you liked this letter, you can buy your own hard copy of the book of letters by following this link…

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