13 February 2012
Today I am saying dear ‘God’ and that’s what you have been for much of my life, although sometimes, rarely, I have denied you altogether, since you didn’t seem to make any sense. Then again there was a long period where I lazily hedged my bets and said that you MAY exist, for how could I know for sure?
I learnt of you via religious / Christian family ties, at Church, at School and through my bed time childish prayers.
I have spent much time with you, neglected you often too and now, we seem to co-exist, I believe, happily, most of the time.
But we know you and I, that there are times when I have fallen out with you, because I just believed, that you had got it wrong, that you were causing and inflicting unnecessary pain and suffering. That you were, basically, to blame. For if YOU had created ME, then how could I be the cause of all this so called misery, in the way that many modern wisdoms would dictate?
And there have been times, even very recently when I REALLY wondered what in heaven you were playing at … why you had created this turn of events, this misfortune of constant occurrences. I just wouldn’t let you off the hook … I cried, I begged, I ranted and I cursed and still you stayed your course. Falling out with you is such hard work and I hate being angry, but I was so angry with you. Yes, I can say it, I was so very angry with God. Where could I go with that? What higher authority could I appeal to ..?
I just had to find the way, get it out of my system, in every way – body, mind and soul … so you waited patiently … rock of ages. Even when I blamed you angrily for all sorts of things – minor imperfections of happenings, broken things, difficulties, trips and tears.
At times like these you are GOD. Masculine, patriarchal, bound in church stone. In this God guise, I have accused you of being fusty, cruel and callous.
Yet as I have moved away from Church, I have stayed with spirit and so you have transferred and transformed to Gaia, to Mother Universe; you are the spirit behind and beyond the physical world. The Universe is life force, creation, vibrancy, love and fortune. The Universe is flow, positivity, she guides and glows and takes you with the flow.
The Universe is friend, is on my side, giver, sun shine provider … mother of all.
So as you have facets, then my love will flux and alter with the tides of your being, in both my mind and my heart. Love shapes and forms and one expression of love is prayer. I pray in many ways now, putting my intentions out there, expressing my gratitude, sharing the love. This very letter is a piece of prayer.
I make my peace with you now, well most of the time; though it seems I ride a roller coaster so often and I’m not sure what will ever change that. I used to ask for an even keel … that wasn’t to be. Instead I play out the soap opera of my being, entertaining those around me with my constant stellar happenings, my seeming unconventionality, my breakages, my laughter … well may be that is my purpose, my created path or may be just a part of my own eternal puzzle of being. So I surrender …
You are always the ultimate constant; so please forgive me, please teach me, please help me to see the way and shine the light – yes shine a light for me so that I can shine a light for others … for that is when I experience real love. And the love of God that passeth all understanding is a gift, and a gift I greedily and gladly receive.
Thank you, for everything.
[PS: Dear Reader, if you enjoyed this letter, you can buy your own book version of my collected epistles by following this link…]