This is a tough post for me. I’m a coach and a writer who works her way through the ups and downs of life, learning and celebrating along the way. In my selfish sharing, I get to connect with and support others who are also going through their life stuff too. This time though I haven’t got through to my usual clean conclusion. Instead I’m still working my way through it all. This post is a vulnerability because I’m still staking my claim to be a coach and mentor who helps others to see their way through. I can’t see mine at the moment; but one of the things that keeps me going, is that when I’m through the other side of this and have found my path, I know that my coaching is going to reach whole new depths of insight and healing. This then, which is all about me, I want so much, to go beyond me and do a whole world of greater good.
The subject matter is deliberately vague; it involves other parties and my ethics prescribe that I won’t share the details of our joint stuff without first asking their consent. In truth, we are not at the point of asking right now, so I’m going to ‘vague’ away, here goes…
The Spot Between the Rock and the Hard Place
I’m in that spot at the moment. It’s that cold, damp, dark spot that sits between a rock and a hard place.
I’m sitting there because I’m going through a troubling time in my life… And it’s especially troubling because it’s not just about one issue, but two…
To compound it, I am waiting on the decisions / actions of other parties to move things to the next stage. In each instance, I don’t even know what that next stage is – just that there are a range of possible stages, transits or exits.
In neither instance, for various simply complicated reasons, I cannot just give up and walk away.
A lot rides on both, for very different reasons. But they are fundamental and important to my livelihood, emotional and physical well-being. Yep – nothing important then…
So, despite my independent spirit and all the strands I weave into my life to keep it safe and ordered, the cloth has unravelled and now – just at this point in the time – the power belongs to someone else – times two.
Yes, I’ve given them that power – despite all the social media nemes; despite a life time of learning; despite a long, loved personal development journey. And despite being very much my own person, I have to interact with others for money, love and recognition, and at some point along the line, others in your world have to coerce with you in order for it all to work.
I’m not perfect in all this, I’m not a victim and yet somehow I find that I’m being slowly tortured and victimised even so. All just enough to give tacit acknowledgement that I am just important enough to merit a little attention, but not important enough to be any kind of a priority, even in bringing things swiftly to a conclusion.
I’ve done my part for the other parties: I’ve provided the information and opportunities. I’ve said my piece and am now sitting quietly in my dark spot and waiting.
And I hate that I’m so bloody reasonable, that I can see their point of view and understand why they do what they do. I really wish I was a more black and white person who would just say ‘to hell with it all’ and ‘fuck you’. But I know too, that this is not a tactic that has served me well in the past and so, if nothing else, I have to learn my lessons. I just wish I knew what those lessons were right now…
In the meantime, apparently I’m doing all the ‘right’ things. I take care of myself – I rest, spend time with family and friends and I go on with my life. I seek support and get professional guidance. I place my focus on other people and other activities. I think about the future and put plans in place to support whatever the next steps are. But without my partners in crime playing their part – the only positive thing I feel I really know about the future, is that at some point ‘this too shall pass’ and will simply become another chapter in my history.
Critically – I publically and internally repeat constantly that I am not vesting my happiness and well-being in someone else’s actions and choices. Also I turn my attention to what I can do / be in the moment, to be content in the now.
I’m a naturally impatient person. Yet despite everything I do – nothing, it seems, except prevarication, comes back to me: I set deadlines and they are ignored. I offer alternatives, which are absorbed. I ask questions and am answered with silence…
So I explain to my nemeses that the waiting, for me, causes great stress and anxiety. That despite everything I do to counteract it, this waiting and lack of resolution is affecting my health and happiness. But whilst my wellbeing is vitally important to me – to those I am waiting on, it’s of no real consequence. It’s just one little thing on their list – they have the rest of their lives and their own agendas to tend to – until, for whatever good or nefarious reason, they get round to me.
As someone who really cares how other people feel, this lack of compassion and priority is particularly shattering. Basically – they don’t give a fuck – but – in order to be true to myself – I still do…
And still I carry on, and still I’m here – waiting. Does that make me culpable? Well – yes and no. Still I work on the premise of being reasonable, whilst still speaking my truth in a non-aggressive way. They know how I feel. They know what I want to happen next.
So when nothing really changes, my fear weighs me down. Yet I know too it’s my stubbornness that keeps me here, whilst my niceness also keeps me anchored. And despite everything – being true to myself is more important than anything. And so must I give the chance to those – even those that have hurt me so much – to put things right. You see, I believe ultimately that they did not cause this damage deliberately. And, yes, I have to acknowledge that I have done wrong and caused hurt too, and for that I really am sorry.
So I sit in this spot – this cold, dark spot – and even though they don’t see me, they know that I’m here.
I don’t know what else I can do now. I feel like I’ve done everything, except walk away. Instead I blog – therefore I am. In doing so I let it all out and I work through it, usually to a neat ending or a perfect conclusion. Not this time though. Instead I’m still riding the perfect storm and biding my anxious time.
And for all my selfish maundering, I want to state that my prayer is for this: the greatest good. Let’s remove our egos and work together to change this, to move it onward – where ever that may be. You see, ultimately I’m sitting here, because I believe that we can work all this out – without compromise, sacrifice or loss.
So, sitting in this spot I don’t know if my belief will be met half way. However, I do know that I have to hold onto my belief whole heartedly and so, with love, on this day – I will let it go at that.
Yours, in trust,
Sandra Peachey – Coach and Believer
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My external plaudits include the following – being:
* The Director of LifeWork Consultancy & Coaching;
* The Author of Peachey Letters – Love Letters to Life and Co-Author of The F-Factor.
* A 2015 International Book Awards Finalist, in the Women’s Issues Category;
* The Winner of a Women Inspiring Women Award in 2013;
* Being shortlisted for Women’s Coach in the APCTC Awards 2014, also nominated in 2012 & 2013; and
* Being nominated for a Networking Mummies National Recognition Award in 2015.