25 February 2012
‘Love your enemy’ is the first phrase that comes into my head right now. The reason being that I sat down and pondered who or what to write to next; as I am now so tantalisingly near to finishing my cherished challenge of writing a love letter a day, every single day, for the Valentine month of February. That is twenty nine epistles … shooting out into the cosmos, reaching into the void … may be to over reach and be sent unseen; or may be to touch and to torch another creature’s flame. Well so it should be, if indeed twenty nine there were in existence. For I stared at a white page and racked a blank brain for an object of inspiration … and there was none … Just five letters to go … the end in sight, but now no sight, no sense of next.
So then suddenly, there it was – my enemy: resistance, procrastination, pfaffing, dawdling, dreaming, distracting or what ever name you are going by today … Now I want to have this out with you and I’m guessing this won’t be once and for all: this stalling, this staying, this stopping of my strived for success.
Why can’t I move beyond this solid wall, this barrier, this self created strange protectionism? Why am I so static, so staid, so very stuck, so often? What weight is this, what darkness, what blindness to my future? What rocket, what change or what challenge will shift you out of my path and let me stride, rather than stress my self forward? I am so staggered that not even grief, tears or terrible fear motivates me on and over you.
So I must consider this and think … well … could it be that now is not my time to move; or may be here is my lesson – my learning obstacle to be climbed up and over and scaled like any average mountain of life. But then this mountain is unseen, and it feels so solid, so heavy, so truculent, so frustrating, so scream generating; if I let it stick and let it raise steam … There I am pulled back to black – stale, pale and aged.
So forward now … I see you and I raise you … I am aware of you and I name you. Not to shame you, though shame is tempting, but to acknowledge you, to understand you, to know your role, to push your boundaries, then to blast through to freedom.
Someone told me there is no real cure. “My name is Sandra and I am a procrastinator” … I wait for the acknowledged applause to die away …
Now I name you and know you Resistance, I can start to step away from you, to walk around, climb over or sail in you. I know how you tick, I see how you move, I hear your special solid voice. That voice is not to be a vice to me now. For in the very act of stopping me, I learn to step around you, to dance nimbly away.
For me the solution is to share. Your weight is too much to bear alone. Life is not meant to be one. I chose to connect to cherished colleagues, not fellow workers, not sharing inmates. I chose to commit to promises, rather than to (other’s) deadlines; I move to the light, to the way forward, in ways that work for me – that work with my rhythms, my wants, my true skills, my loves. I trace the naturalness of my form, my thoughts, of my heart and I replicate that out into the world. Then I chose to share the un-natural, the unwanted tasks and transferences with those who have the gifts which are my strangers, my sloth and my burdens.
This is not one lesson learned and kept close. So very often I slip back, absorbed into alternate realities, distracted by your square solid form blocking out the sun. I forget you are there, lulled into old life patterns, long learned forms of being and of seeing. Now in my new life there is no pattern of average days to give me reason and meaning, so I chose to create my own way and my freedom. And freedom is not resistance, it is grace and flow and ease … and THESE I love. So smugly I will end – my very enemy now my friend, and now my very latest letter.
Farewell old fiend.
Not yours. Miss S E A Peachey
PS: For this and all the Letters in book form – follow the link here to find out more…