How to be a Good Egg at Easter

Egg with heart
It’s Good Friday today, this year of 2017.

I woke up slowly, dreaming the day ahead…

Now there are things to celebrate and things to plan for. Then there are things to fret about and things to be scared of.  So to counteract them I try to smash the uncertainty – by making arrangements, tying down time and filling my thinking hours.

But still there is the unknown of the next few moments, days and years to be anxious about…

And I am anxious… The anxiety sits in my body like a tightly wound coil, right where my solar plexus used to be.  My heart was used to resting there; but now sits in the centre of the coil, constricted and beating its’ bloody rhythm, alone in the darkness…

In the everyday transactions of life I can forget the grip of this anxiety, and the hold it has – there at the centre of me, temporarily.  But always it usurps and rewinds…

But in between, there’s the doing of life.  Already I have cooked my celebration breakfast; I’ve meditated; I’ve spoken with a coaching client and had a business meeting.  Now I’m writing a blog and it isn’t even 11.00 am yet…

And I laugh at my perception that so often I’m lazy; but this anxiety drives me – it jangles through my senses, urging me on; keeping me awake and busy.  It drives me to impose structure and exert control, because fundamentally I feel that the powers that created this current craziness, can also stop it – but they are elsewhere, outside of me.

So I’m still again and thinking my thoughts.
‘Be still enough for long enough’, so it is said and the answers will come to you.
Or… instead a thousand answers may come back to flagellate and torture you…

But in the stillness I reflect on my day so far.  It’s Good Friday – a sacred day in the Christian calendar, when the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and his death are commemorated.  In my own life Good Friday is sacred too – my father died on this day, 31 years ago.

He didn’t have an easy death.  It was messy and ghastly.  He had a fatal mental breakdown and his mind and body conspired to give up on life.

That sudden remembrance scares me.  How long can I take this pain and this continued tight torture? Is this me now, writhing in my own anxious death throes?

No… I’m not ready to give up on life.

Instead my stubbornness to have things only the way I want them is keeping me locked within this coil of hellish anxiety.

I cannot change the fact of my father’s death, but I can evolve beyond it. I can heal it and I can choose the hope of new beginnings; because as well as death, Easter is also about resurrection – a new start and an ascension to greater things.

As a coach I was taught to distrust the concept of ‘hope’.  A hope that things will work out suggests that there is also a strong chance that they will not… This is in the sense of wanting something to be the case, rather than believing it to be so.   As a coach, lack of certainty is certainly not what I want to be giving to my clients.

But for me the fascination of language is the history and variety of the nuances of interpretation, and how these embellish my interpretation of the world; so I dig deeper into my psyche and vocabulary – then see that in history, hope is also a feeling of trust.

Now trust, yes, we coaches thrive on that word. Trust is a more implicit commitment to the fact that everything will be alright, not that it may be.  In an uncertain world though, the strength in trust is the fact that we don’t necessarily have to know how things will resolve, evolve or move on.  But there however, lies the anxious rub – I crave certainty, I want answers; but I’m not getting them right now.  It’s as if nearly every area of my life is on hold, waiting for someone else to pick up the phone and explain to me whatever is going to happen next.

God, it’s galling. It feels like an appalling waste of my time and emotions, whilst I sit here and listen to the muzac of my untidy mind, waiting for the questions to be answered.

But still life goes on.  Still I coach others.  Still I’m a killer in business meetings.  So on the surface it’s business as usual and I’m still working in my role as go to support.

But to underpin that, I need to have support, and despite the fact that I haven’t wanted to, I have felt that I have had to share my current stress.  It’s a vulnerability because I don’t want to be perceived as weak.  But I can’t hold it in.  And I can’t support others if I can’t take care of myself and show that I struggle too, and how, at this moment – I struggle mightily.

As a coach I know that this goes deep with me now.  It goes deep into my living history and along the family tree even beyond my birth, to the influences and influencers who have passed their trials and fears back along the trunk and branches, to me.

The patterns of history I had long tried to tame are coming back to torture me; so there needs to be a deeper level of knowledge and healing that has to take place.  I just know that as this happens, it is going to be one of the biggest evolutions of my life; a huge break through and a re-birth into things I can only currently glimpse or grasp at now – because I’m not simply ready for them.

So as it turns out - thisSo as it turns out – this hated, hurting time, is the time of my life.

I don’t want to live in the grip of this anxiety – which is fundamentally a fear of what happens next; so I am choosing to focus on the now.  And I do that despite the tightly wound coil in my chest or whatever negative stories my thoughts are telling me.

So this morning I sat in meditation and the mantra that came to me was this:
“Every moment I’m born into a universe of infinite possibilities.”
So I breathed the words in and spoke them with my soul, over and over…

In fact I’m reborn and renewed constantly, every second of the day.  And each new second brings with it a whole plethora of distinct and dreamed of possibilities.

And it’s Easter, heralding Spring – the cyclic and constant new start I see in every year I live on this barren and beautiful planet.

So I will share my anxiety and my vulnerability with whoever is listening, and that includes my cherished clients. I’ll admit to the world that I don’t have the answers yet.

But I also acknowledge that whilst this is painful now, I relish in the opportunity to grow and change in ways I can’t even begin to imagine and that in doing so, I allow the whole world to expand with me…

It is Easter after all. Time to commemorate and celebrate.

Time to die and be reborn.

Time to stop, rest, heal for a while.

Time to stop and smell the daffodils.

And so all I have to say now, is this:
A very Happy Easter and Birth Day to you.

Yours trustingly,
Sandra
Sandra Peachey – Born Again Egg

currently have a special offer… You can buy the paperback of my ‘Love Letters to Life’ on Amazon for £11.99 or you can get an author signed copy on my website – for just £7.99 including P&P…

Featured on the BBC as well as local and national media (including Psychologies Magazine and The Lady), the book was also honoured as a Finalist in the 2015 International Book Awards.  

‘Peachey Letters – Love Letters to Life’ takes the best posts from this blog, adds new content and wraps it all together in a sweet bookish structure.

It’s an easy yet satisfying read, which sees love in everything we do in life – from the big themes to the tiny, trivial minutiae of it too.

If you want to get in touch, you can contact me by clicking here…

My external plaudits include the following – being:
* The Director of LifeWork Consultancy & Coaching;
* The Author of Peachey Letters – Love Letters to Life and Co-Author of The F-Factor.
* A 2015 International Book Awards Finalist, in the Women’s Issues Category;
* The Winner of a Women Inspiring Women Award in 2013;
* Being shortlisted for Women’s Coach in the APCTC Awards 2014, also nominated in 2012 & 2013; and
* Being nominated for a Networking Mummies National Recognition Award in 2015.

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The Spot Between the Rock and the Hard Place

This is a tough post for me.  I’m a coach and a writer who works her way through the ups and downs of life, learning and celebrating along the way.  In my selfish sharing, I get to connect with and support others who are also going through their life stuff too.  This time though I haven’t got through to my usual clean conclusion.  Instead I’m still working my way through it all.  This post is a vulnerability because I’m still staking my claim to be a coach and mentor who helps others to see their way through.  I can’t see mine at the moment; but one of the things that keeps me going, is that when I’m through the other side of this and have found my path, I know that my coaching is going to reach whole new depths of insight and healing.  This then, which is all about me, I want so much, to go beyond me and do a whole world of greater good. 

The subject matter is deliberately vague; it involves other parties and my ethics prescribe that I won’t share the details of our joint stuff without first asking their consent.  In truth, we are not at the point of asking right now, so I’m going to ‘vague’ away, here goes…

The unbearable

The Spot Between the Rock and the Hard Place

I’m in that spot at the moment.  It’s that cold, damp, dark spot that sits between a rock and a hard place.

I’m sitting there because I’m going through a troubling time in my life… And it’s especially troubling because it’s not just about one issue, but two…

To compound it, I am waiting on the decisions / actions of other parties to move things to the next stage.  In each instance, I don’t even know what that next stage is – just that there are a range of possible stages, transits or exits.

In neither instance, for various simply complicated reasons, I cannot just give up and walk away.

A lot rides on both, for very different reasons.  But they are fundamental and important to my livelihood, emotional and physical well-being.  Yep – nothing important then…

So, despite my independent spirit and all the strands I weave into my life to keep it safe and ordered, the cloth has unravelled and now – just at this point in the time – the power belongs to someone else – times two.

Yes, I’ve given them that power – despite all the social media nemes; despite a life time of learning; despite a long, loved personal development journey. And despite being very much my own person, I have to interact with others for money, love and recognition, and at some point along the line, others in your world have to coerce with you in order for it all to work.

I’m not perfect in all this, I’m not a victim and yet somehow I find that I’m being slowly tortured and victimised even so.  All just enough to give tacit acknowledgement that I am just important enough to merit a little attention, but not important enough to be any kind of a priority, even in bringing things swiftly to a conclusion.

I’ve done my part for the other parties: I’ve provided the information and opportunities.  I’ve said my piece and am now sitting quietly in my dark spot and waiting.

And I hate that I’m so bloody reasonable, that I can see their point of view and understand why they do what they do.  I really wish I was a more black and white person who would just say ‘to hell with it all’ and ‘fuck you’.  But I know too, that this is not a tactic that has served me well in the past and so, if nothing else, I have to learn my lessons.  I just wish I knew what those lessons were right now…

In the meantime, apparently I’m doing all the ‘right’ things.  I take care of myself – I rest, spend time with family and friends and I go on with my life.  I seek support and get professional guidance.  I place my focus on other people and other activities.  I think about the future and put plans in place to support whatever the next steps are.  But without my partners in crime playing their part – the only positive thing I feel I really know about the future, is that at some point ‘this too shall pass’ and will simply become another chapter in my history.

Critically – I publically and internally repeat constantly that I am not vesting my happiness and well-being in someone else’s actions and choices.  Also I turn my attention to what I can do / be in the moment, to be content in the now.

I’m a naturally impatient person.  Yet despite everything I do – nothing, it seems, except prevarication, comes back to me: I set deadlines and they are ignored. I offer alternatives, which are absorbed. I ask questions and am answered with silence…

So I explain to my nemeses that the waiting, for me, causes great stress and anxiety.  That despite everything I do to counteract it, this waiting and lack of resolution is affecting my health and happiness.  But whilst my wellbeing is vitally important to me – to those I am waiting on, it’s of no real consequence.  It’s just one little thing on their list – they have the rest of their lives and their own agendas to tend to – until, for whatever good or nefarious reason, they get round to me.

As someone who really cares how other people feel, this lack of compassion and priority is particularly shattering.  Basically – they don’t give a fuck – but – in order to be true to myself – I still do…

And still I carry on, and still I’m here – waiting.  Does that make me culpable? Well – yes and no.  Still I work on the premise of being reasonable, whilst still speaking my truth in a non-aggressive way.  They know how I feel.  They know what I want to happen next.

So when nothing really changes, my fear weighs me down.  Yet I know too it’s my stubbornness that keeps me here, whilst my niceness also keeps me anchored.  And despite everything – being true to myself is more important than anything.  And so must I give the chance to those – even those that have hurt me so much – to put things right.  You see, I believe ultimately that they did not cause this damage deliberately.  And, yes, I have to acknowledge that I have done wrong and caused hurt too, and for that I really am sorry.

So I sit in this spot – this cold, dark spot – and even though they don’t see me, they know that I’m here.

I don’t know what else I can do now.  I feel like I’ve done everything, except walk away.  Instead I blog – therefore I am. In doing so I let it all out and I work through it, usually to a neat ending or a perfect conclusion.  Not this time though.  Instead I’m still riding the perfect storm and biding my anxious time.

And for all my selfish maundering, I want to state that my prayer is for this: the greatest good.  Let’s remove our egos and work together to change this, to move it onward – where ever that may be.  You see, ultimately I’m sitting here, because I believe that we can work all this out – without compromise, sacrifice or loss.

So, sitting in this spot I don’t know if my belief will be met half way.  However, I do know that I have to hold onto my belief whole heartedly and so, with love, on this day – I will let it go at that.

Yours, in trust,

S xx

Sandra Peachey – Coach and Believer

I currently have a special offer… You can buy the paperback of my ‘Love Letters to Life’ on Amazon for £11.99 or you can get an author signed copy on my website – for just £7.99 including P&P…

Featured on the BBC as well as local and national media (including Psychologies Magazine and The Lady), the book was also honoured as a Finalist in the 2015 International Book Awards.  

‘Peachey Letters – Love Letters to Life’ takes the best posts from this blog, adds new content and wraps it all together in a sweet bookish structure.

It’s an easy yet satisfying read, which sees love in everything we do in life – from the big themes to the tiny, trivial minutiae of it too.

If you want to get in touch, you can contact me by clicking here…

My external plaudits include the following – being:
* The Director of LifeWork Consultancy & Coaching;
* The Author of Peachey Letters – Love Letters to Life and Co-Author of The F-Factor.
* A 2015 International Book Awards Finalist, in the Women’s Issues Category;
* The Winner of a Women Inspiring Women Award in 2013;
* Being shortlisted for Women’s Coach in the APCTC Awards 2014, also nominated in 2012 & 2013; and
* Being nominated for a Networking Mummies National Recognition Award in 2015.

A Summer Sense of Spring

Spring has a beautiful summer coat on in my little bit of Blighty today…

Suddenly people are shedding their winter clothes and stay indoors inhibitions.

Driving through the countryside I weave softly round cyclists – not the whippet like, Lycra clad brigades I normally Sunday steer around; but families and day trippers.

Shorts and rucksacks are being aired, with steps taken in every which direction.

It’s as if the sun has made all these people bud and unfurl their garish petals -revealing their not so secret summer selves to the air and the soil.

Every day of sunshine these last few days I’ve walked alone. It’s been a balm in an intensely emotional time.  Yet suddenly – this shining Sunday, the world has come out to play, and I’m just glad to share.

Postscript… later, as a regular, all weather rambler, I’ll also be donning my outdoor clothes and joining a doughty group to stride across the sunny fields.

Please wave and say hello if we meet along the way 👋

~ By: Sandra Peachey – Sun Worshipper

I currently have a special offer… You can buy the paperback of my ‘Love Letters to Life’ on Amazon for £11.99 or you can get an author signed copy on my website – for just £7.99 including P&P…

Featured in Psychologies Magazine and The Lady, the book was also honoured as a Finalist in the 2015 International Book Awards.  

Making a perfect Mother’s Day (or any other day) gift, the book takes the best posts from this blog, adds new content and wraps it all together in a satisfying structure – that will make you feel the love, entertain and enlighten you.

It’s an easy yet satisfying read, which sees love in everything we do in life – from the big themes to the tiny, trivial minutiae of it too.

If you want to get in touch, you can contact me by clicking here…

I’m also variously known as:
* The Director of LifeWork Consultancy & Coaching;
* The Author of Peachey Letters – Love Letters to Life and Co-Author of The F-Factor.
* A 2015 International Book Awards Finalist, in the Women’s Issues Category;
* The Winner of a Women Inspiring Women Award in 2013;
* As being shortlisted for Women’s Coach in the APCTC Awards 2014, also nominated in 2012 & 2013; and
* Being nominated for a Networking Mummies National Recognition Award in 2015.

The Moon Man Poem

The moon man first saw me in his filtered light.
That strange opposite glow that illuminated some of my nights.
He glimpsed me, dancing in the long shadows;
And then we waned and I walked – letting the darkness have its’ domain.

Yet the moon moves in cycles, winding round the calendar.
It has feminine curves and urges; it marks and makes
whole oceans ebb and flow and it moves man too;
not just the flow of woman with her circle of loss and life.

In time the man and the moon will wax, in the way of our worlds.
And I don’t know where his dappled light will next be beamed.
Sometimes you see, that silvery light is craved and sometimes shunned.
It may be shrouded by my cloud or is free to shine on another astral island.

The lunacy of life can take over, pushed and coursed,
whilst we soul sweat and curse in artificial bodily toil.
This is when the moon boils in our blood as it reaches its’ most fully visible;
drowning our sanity and obscuring our simple, powerful truths.

For now the moon man has retreated to his lion cave to escape its pull;
alternately emitting lightening bolts and soft illumination from within.
And suddenly, as a moon maiden myself, I realise the trickle of time,
then look up – to see the moon scratching its’ close full course across the sky.

The moon is of its time – repeating the cycles of countless centuries;
whilst moon men and waxy women may or may not look skywards.
They often look down – shuffling their feet and scuffing the earth instead;
shadow boxing and side stepping in and out of moonbeams – not linear, but lunar.

But there is light at night, which is chased away by the brashness of the day.
All times cast their shadows and can be covered in cloud, with the light behind them.
And still we can choose what we see and alter our charted course –
so ultimately let’s steer it to united serenity, what ever or who ever we shine upon.

And maybe the moon man will morph to a moth and leave his lair,
to be drawn to a maiden again, who ever she may be.
May he and she do this without blunted expectations, and for us all
wherever we shine, may it be with moon brightened love, and sweet, silvered clarity.

~ By: Sandra Peachey – Moon Maiden

I currently have a special offer… You can buy the paperback of my ‘Love Letters to Life’ on Amazon for £11.99 or you can get an author signed copy on my website – for just £7.99 including P&P…

Featured in Psychologies Magazine and The Lady, the book was also honoured as a Finalist in the 2015 International Book Awards.  

Making a perfect Mother’s Day (or any other day) gift, the book takes the best posts from this blog, adds new content and wraps it all together in a satisfying structure – that will make you feel the love, entertain and enlighten you.

It’s an easy yet satisfying read, which sees love in everything we do in life – from the big themes to the tiny, trivial minutiae of it too.

If you want to get in touch, you can contact me by clicking here…

I’m also variously known as:
* The Director of LifeWork Consultancy & Coaching;
* The Author of Peachey Letters – Love Letters to Life and Co-Author of The F-Factor.
* A 2015 International Book Awards Finalist, in the Women’s Issues Category;
* The Winner of a Women Inspiring Women Award in 2013;
* As being shortlisted for Women’s Coach in the APCTC Awards 2014, also nominated in 2012 & 2013; and
* Being nominated for a Networking Mummies National Recognition Award in 2015.

Is it Mother’s Day, Mothering Sunday or Child’s Day today?

HAPPY CHILD’S DAY

I’m reading all the Mothering Sunday posts and reflecting:
I don’t have a mum any more.
And I’m not a mother myself.
So, regardless of why, that’s just how it is today…

For every mother and every child there’s a single story.
And it’s different for each and everyone of us.
Made out of genetics, chance and a million interactions.
Starting in the womb, then pushing out and pushing a way through life.

And I’ve heard it said that we choose our parents.
That’s both coldly crazy and softly sane in different measures.
I know I have chosen what I take from and learn from mine.
That’s some bitterness turned in to much sweet reason.

I’ve chosen the love and the laughter.
The generosity, the surprise gifts and all the toast.
The recognition of a tough job with the tough and easy love.
And today, what ever our story is, to celebrate my mother.

And there are no birth babies for me, but I’ve created so much.
I’ve played with god children and cooed over little ones.
I’ve hugged, hid, tickled, spoilt and giggled many times over.
I’ve witnessed the joy of new generations and played my part in their lives.

So Happy Mother’s day, what ever your denomination.
Whether in flesh or memory – seen or invisibly felt.
Regardless of our parenthood, there wouldn’t be a mother without – us.
So celebrate and be a cause for celebration:

And most of all – have a Happy Child’s Day – what ever that means – for you.

Mum Hol 2
My mother and this child

~ Sandra Peachey – Child and Creator

PS: It’s Mothering Sunday too – not instead of… 😉

PPS: I currently have a Child’s Day special offer… You can buy the paperback of my ‘Love Letters to Life’ on Amazon for £11.99 or as a Valentine’s treat you can get an author signed copy on my website – for just £7.99 including P&P…

Featured in Psychologies Magazine and The Lady, it was also honoured as a Finalist in the 2015 International Book Awards.  

Making a perfect Mother’s Day (or any other day) gift, the book takes the best posts from this blog, adds new content and wraps it all together in a satisfying structure – that will make you feel the love, entertain and enlighten you.

It’s an easy yet satisfying read, which sees love in everything we do in life – from the big themes to the tiny, trivial minutiae of it too.

If you want to get in touch, you can contact me by clicking here…

I’m also variously known as:
* The Director of LifeWork Consultancy & Coaching;
* The Author of Peachey Letters – Love Letters to Life and Co-Author of The F-Factor.
* A 2015 International Book Awards Finalist, in the Women’s Issues Category;
* The Winner of a Women Inspiring Women Award in 2013;
* As being shortlisted for Women’s Coach in the APCTC Awards 2014, also nominated in 2012 & 2013; and
* Being nominated for a Networking Mummies National Recognition Award in 2015.

Moon Poem

full moon

I’ve been moon bathing by the light of a fabulous full moon, meditating, musing on; then creating and releasing my intentions…
So I just had to seal the deal with a poem…

Thank you mother moon,
light of Gaia,
for birthing so much.

For all of the abundance,
for the purity,
and the clean clarity.

For the pulsing oceanic pull
of my cells and DNA,
spiralling in waves of wonder.

I am blessed with the love
of your brightness.
Carressed in seamless eternity.

My desires dreamed, are real,
created and co-existent
as I serve your earth’s children.

This is my crescendo thank you…
with body, heart and soul,
for a 1000 more glorious good nights.

And this was my own moon song
of sweet gratitude, farewelled
then released softly up into the ether.

Written by:
Sandra Peachey – Moonbeam bather and erstwhile poet

PS: I currently have a Mother’s Day special offer… You can buy the paperback of my ‘Love Letters to Life’ on Amazon for £11.99 or as a Valentine’s treat you can get an author signed copy on my website – for just £7.99 including P&P…

Featured in Psychologies Magazine and The Lady, it was also honoured as a Finalist in the 2015 International Book Awards.  

Making a perfect Mother’s Day (or any other day) gift, the book takes the best posts from this blog, adds new content and wraps it all together in a satisfying structure – that will make you feel the love, entertain and enlighten you.

It’s an easy yet satisfying read, which sees love in everything we do in life – from the big themes to the tiny, trivial minutiae of it too.

If you want to get in touch, you can contact me by clicking here…

I’m also variously known as:
* The Director of LifeWork Consultancy & Coaching;
* The Author of Peachey Letters – Love Letters to Life and Co-Author of The F-Factor.
* A 2015 International Book Awards Finalist, in the Women’s Issues Category;
* The Winner of a Women Inspiring Women Award in 2013;
* As being shortlisted for Women’s Coach in the APCTC Awards 2014, also nominated in 2012 & 2013; and
* Being nominated for a Networking Mummies National Recognition Award in 2015.

Daffodils for a Valentine lost & found

daffodil-heart

Winter is starting to segue seamlessly into Spring.  Yesterday, out of the stark seasonal soil I saw Snowdrops sharing their simple white wares with the world.  Daylight is lengthening and soon it will be time for daffodils to unfurl from their bulbs – now hidden in the cold, dark soil, to reveal their capricious yellow faces to the sun.

It’s February – the eponymous month of love. Usually at this time of the year I’m wriggling and writing, yet this year it’s been all quiet on the blogging front – mainly because I’ve had other things on my heart and mind.

Basically I’m nursing a broken heart and have been very preoccupied with all my non-creative work…  And sometimes that’s tiring and sometimes it’s a welcome relief to run around – mentally and physically, but right now it’s time for me to stop and take stock.

A very wise person I know – a certain guru of mine called Richard Wilkins, has reshaped the words ‘broken heart’ in ‘open heart’ and so, while I think of it, I’ve decided to be open hearted instead.  Because being ‘open hearted’ gives me a choice in how I handle this and what legacy it leaves me with.

You see I’ve been single for 6 years, after a traumatic and life changing breakup with my last partner. I went through a lot of anguish after that experience and it threatened to destroy my faith in just about everything I believed in and had worked so hard for up to that point.

But with time and an open heart I found many lessons in these happenings too and my life moved on.  It was all a catalyst for so much change.  I can honestly say that I never would have welcomed this happening to me, but happen it did and so, now I couldn’t have it any other way.

The most precious things to come out of it all were my first book and the life I’ve chosen to love since. It has taken so long to move on, because it’s been important to me to properly heal and be really ready for finding my life long partner.

So, being open hearted (then and now) means that I don’t chose to be a victim of my circumstances and that I’m determined to learn from, rather than bemoan them. But before I’m in danger of engaging smug mode – don’t get me wrong – I have already done the bemoaning bit – big time…

But the bemoaning, the tears and the lessons were all steps on the path to where I am now…

In recent months I took a series of decisions, ones where I often walked the path of silence.  This to me at the time, actually seemed to be the path of least resistance – the one that I believed that would get me to where I wanted to be – someone of significance in someone else’s life.

Alert: If, right now, you are going to bring up the clichés about having to love yourself first (blah, blah, blah) – yes I know all that – thank you, and have practiced it for a very long time; it was just that for me, it was time to change my single perspective. 

So after 6 long years I finally found someone that my heart wanted; though my head was often perplexed with its’ choice.  Still – I’m stubborn and I was determined to find a way to make it all work.

As a result I made a number of choices, starting with my heart and ending most emphatically with my head – which decided, after all, to end the relationship.  And I take responsibility for each and every one of those choices.

Somehow as a coach, part of me feels the situation could have worked out if I’d handled it differently, and that we should have been able to work through the complexities of it all. But I’m not perfect in who I am or what I do and that means that there are still so many lessons for me in love and life, not least because on this occasion I chose to walk silently away.

And so it was that I walked with my heart ‘opened’, into a whole world of pain…

My pain is invisible to the outside world, but vividly colours my inside world instead… And sometimes it’s vomited out as anger and frustration, or else works its’ way through to the surface in tears and regrets, rarely – shared and more often simply solo.

Down in the muddy trough of despair, I’ve allowed myself to wallow. After what feels like a lifetime of fighting and ranting, this time I haven’t fought the pain – I’ve just sat and slipped with it, waiting for it to transmute to truth or rather, relief.

Fighting is hard work and it hurts, so instead I decided just to let it be, to work through and heal in its’ own contusing time.

It was dark in the trough, but gradually the light came in and the mud started to dry. Still, the pain filters and alters and has dried onto my skin as a muddy metaphoric bruise.

The bruise sits on the surface of the contusions below, buried deep into my being. It started out deep and dark and has gradually worn away, changing in colour on the rainbow way to recovery. One day I would be feeling brighter, where the bruise had lightened to yellow and I was glad. And the next day I’d wake up and be in the despairing doldrums again, feeling – one step forwards and two steps back – worse. I’d prod the bruise and still it was so sore. I was impatient to feel pain free, but not yet ready to heal.

But I drank some wine and gave it time.  I meditated, I looked for the lessons and gradually the anger melted and the pain started to wane.  Finally my heart handed my life back over to my head to make sense of it all, only still to snatch it back when I hear a sad song or have wanted to share something with my ‘once was’ man.

Right now I can still see the outline of this mulish bruise on my skin. I decided to walk away from my new relationship, even though – even now, a romantic part of me would still love to work it all out and stay.  But then my head says there’s too much that needs to be different and has made sure that I slammed the door behind me tightly shut.

My heart knows it will have to let go and in time, of course it will. I’m just not ready to ‘move on’ to pastures new yet, as I’m still emotionally attached.  So instead I want to celebrate the love that I had, and continue to feel the euphoria rather the frustration. The experience has made me feel alive in so many ways, not least showing me that regardless of the age of the body, (albeit ‘middle’ aged), this woman’s heart and passion has never grown old.  I’m choosing to channel that love and energy into other things now – to be an amazing coach and writer, to be a sweet sister, an awesome friend and a conspicuous colleague, all in cahoots with the universe – to do the greatest good and have the most glorious time that I can.

It’s time to wake up to spring and all that it brings – the new start cliché of summer possibilities and the quickening of success, curiosity, laughter, humility, learning and of course love, in all its’ manifest splendour.

I mentioned Richard Wilkins at the beginning of this blog and yesterday I went to one of his events, along with a whole host of other like hearted people.  He reminded me of a story he tells that we can be either the daffodil bulb, cold and entombed in the subterranean dark or we can flower above ground, waving our petals in the sun and rain.  So I’m pushing through the soil now, ready to bloom.

If I stay down in the dark, I literally forget who I am. I forget for example, that I’ve written a book of heartfelt Love Letters to Life – one which people have actually read and which touches them. To my surprise yesterday, several people sought me out and told me what my book meant to them…  And, far from being the bulb, it turns out that I was actually the daffodil all along!

Very soon it will be Valentine’s Day and it’s unlikely that there’ll be red roses for me this time, but who knows?  What I do know is that I will be treating myself to a bunch of daffodils – to remind me of who I am and how far I’ve come.

I will finish by wishing you a very Happy Valentine’s Day – whatever your relationship status. Love is a gorgeous, simply complex thing that manifests itself in many forms – and it’s always there if you choose to look for it.

May you always be and see the daffodils…

With lots of love.
Sandie xx
Sandra Peachey – Lifelong Romantic and Daffodil Lover

PS: I currently have a Valentine special offer… You can buy the paperback of my ‘Love Letters to Life’ on Amazon for £11.99 or as a Valentine’s treat you can get it on my website – here for just £7.99 including P&P…

Featured in Psychologies Magazine and The Lady, it was also honoured as a Finalist in the 2015 International Book Awards.  

Making a perfect Valentine gift regardless of your relationship status, the book takes the best posts from this blog, adds new content and wraps it all together in a satisfying structure – that will make you feel the love, entertain and enlighten you.

It’s an easy yet satisfying read, which sees love in everything we do in life – from the big themes to the tiny, trivial minutiae of it too.

If you want to get in touch, you can contact me by clicking here…

I’m also variously known as:
* The Director of LifeWork Consultancy & Coaching;
* The Author of Peachey Letters – Love Letters to Life and Co-Author of The F-Factor.
* A 2015 International Book Awards Finalist, in the Women’s Issues Category;
* The Winner of a Women Inspiring Women Award in 2013;
* As being shortlisted for Women’s Coach in the APCTC Awards 2014, also nominated in 2012 & 2013; and
* Being nominated for a Networking Mummies National Recognition Award in 2015.